I wish it was a good day today.
Instead it is simply a good day to crawl up in a ball and disappear forever.
I feel defeated and alone, even though to those reading this I probably simply sound like a broken record.
I thought moving here was supposed to be the start of something wonderful and honestly, it has been anything but.
The only happiness I have felt in the past month has been when I travel 3 hours away to be with my friends, which at this point I plan on doing every weekend just to keep me sane (or close to).
Have you ever walked into a room and felt the general vibe change dramatically? Like people are more than unhappy about your presence? Because I feel that. Only I feel that with my family.
I have a sister who has probably said 10 words to me in the past 3 years I have a brother who thinks I’m bat shit crazy, a stepmum and stepdad who probably feel like they’ve lucked out and are now stuck with someone who causes their partner nothing but trouble. I have a Dad who I know will always be there for me even though I know he is beyond disappointed in me and a Mum who as hard as she tries to make me feel better and understand me somehow always manages to make me feel like everything is my fault.
I honestly just keep fucking things up for them. The other day I mentioned something about my sisters new car which I thought was cool and all of a sudden it’s world war 3 and I’m being labelled a shit stirrer again. Even though I was just trying to make conversation.
No matter how hard I try I will always be the let down of the family. I mean half my family doesn’t even talk to me because they have Mum or Dad in their ear telling them about how difficult I am.
I mean it’s true.
I am difficult, I know I am.
But what do you do when your family was the reason you were fighting so hard, and holding on for so long? They are the ones you don’t want to hurt or abandon.
Like what do you do when you suddenly realise how much easier their lives would be if I was out of the picture?
It also doesn’t help that my confidence is at an all time low, and funnily enough it’s those closest to me that are tearing it apart little by little. Just small comments you know, oh you shouldn’t wear that it doesn’t look flattering on you, you can never finish anything you start, look at how skinny you look in this picture that is 8 years old, your skin is looking bad today (ironically enough my skin flares up when I get upset). I’ve taken to eating only once or twice a day, not big meals either and then 90% of the time I find myself throwing whatever I’ve eaten up.
What a way to live.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything and I wouldn’t change them for the world. And I know I’m lucky to have them so I guess it’s just me being sensitive.
I’m just being pushed closer and closer to the edge and right now I don’t want to try stop it because this feeling is more painful than so many of you could ever imagine.
I wish I could fight to push back for my friends but even with them I find myself feeling unwanted. I wish I was that friend who everyone messaged to hang out with because they loved hanging out with them, instead I’m the one being ignored when I try to make plans or the one whose friends didn’t even try see them before they moved away.
But hey, it’s my own fault.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either.
I know how stupid this seems to you guys.
I spend most my posts telling people things get better and that they can always talk to me if needed. That even when you feel alone you need to remember how loved you are.
But I think I’m too far gone to take my own advice.
Do you know what the scariest thing about all this is?
That if I was pushed past my tipping point I have a way out.
Like it would be so easy and there is nothing stopping me.
Have you ever been afraid of yourself before? Because I’m terrified of what I’m capable of.
I get so caught between killing myself and simply killing time until something comes along that makes me feel something.
So yeah, sorry for such a shitty post but I needed to vent, even if it does piss some people off.